My Rabbi Credentials

I've been called many things in my life.

"Pornographer" because let's face it, if I photograph adult women in various states of undress even if the R-rated parts are covered, its automatically porn. A "predator" because adult women have chosen of their own free-will to shed their clothes in front of my camera. "TNT", you can thank my brother for that. A "bigot" because (as my old Marine Staff Sergeant used to say), "I'm an equal oppurtunity bigot, I just hate everybody." The "Flash" because I "move like a bolt of lightning" (the complete opposite of its context, LOL).

I'm even a self-described "fallen Catholic" because as a "smut peddler that exploits women", I'm surely going to burn in Hell. Better to laugh w/ the sinners than cry w/ the saints, I guess.

*cues evil laugh*

However, I don't think I've ever had any names given that had anything to do w/ my piety. That changed while at work a couple weeks ago.

As the story goes...

I was plugging away at the computer, minding my own business when a fellow coworker from another department comes over. She sits next to me & asks in a hushed tone, "I don't mean to be rude but (pausing) are you a rabbi?"

She was lucky & wasn't drinking my coffee because it would have sprayed out of my mouth in shock. Instead I repeated the question only louder but laughing. Still in seriousness she hushed me down again.

Once I was able to recompose myself, she explains about a swearing incident the previous day. Apparently a member of her own department & I were in the stock room moving boxes when a swearing incident came up. I never quite understood if I was the one flinging the expletative deleteds or the other guy. But she said, according to him, he was absolutely convinced I was a rabbi because of that incident as well as "how (I) carry myself."

Not quite sure what that means, is it my body-language? My Jack Webb "just the facts, ma'am" straight-laced demeanor because I'm focused on getting stuff done? W/ the beard, I could even see the Alec Guiness's Obi-Wan Kenobi thing. I dunno.

Anyways...I informed her that no, I went the complete other way, the proverbial drinking, whoring, carrowsing route.

Feeling conflicted, she next asked whether to set him straight or string him along. I of course told her to string him along. The man better pray that I never find out who he is because, oh boy, am I gonna have fun screwing w/ him. LOL

*sigh*

This is what happens when people automatically assume things w/o taking the 2 seconds to verify said information (something that I hate). Though this is a light-hearted, I've been on the receiving end of others where the effects were not so comedic.

Whatever, life goes on.

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In other news...
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This here is Brooke. She & her mom were gracious enough to indulge me w/ their participation in my ongoing abandonment series.

While shooting, Brooke accumulated a lot of dirt on her hands & then randomly started rubbing it all across her arms & face. It was one of those bizarre moments that fit what we were all doing & where I would never have planned it in a million years. It worked, so I just ran w/ it & we all still laugh about it to this day.



Feel free to comment, if you so choose.

Funny Thing Happened on the Way to my Email Account, Vol XI

Back before the idiot Rupert Murdoch ran MySpace into the ground, I was blessed w/ being provided comedic fodder for my ongoing series, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to my Email Account." This particular one is in its eleventh edition.

I never thought those many moons ago, it would have expanded to its eleventh edition, but considering there's no dirth of morons on the internet, it SHOULDN'T have surprised me. LOL

For the record, I publicly disclose on my MySpace profile, "I reserve the right to publicly post any &/or all portions of emails sent that I feel fall into the 'retarded' category as well as identify who it came from." If you choose to read 'Note 1' in my profile, I go into further detail in how I define it. I'm not going to waste time here. Its rare that I even use the site anymore but that's because of how crappy their interface has become. Course the Einsteins putting 40 cajillion scrolling slideshows on their profile that use tons of RAM to operate didn't help it either. But that's another story.

As I alluded to earlier, I was blessed w/ partaking in a message string w/ this wonderful breadwinner. At the time, a name of "SEXI PICS COMMENT DUM" is interesting in itself. It also doesn't speak to highly of the American Educational system when the subject heading of the message in question reads, "heyy sexi," but that's another story. :-)

Even though the formula to these kind of messages is about as predictable as a Law & Order episode, I still find it entertaining nonetheless.

Here's how the string of messages went...

- Him: Heyy wat's up...
- Me: Not much. How about you?
- Him: Nuthin just at a resturant u!!!
- Me: Oh, how flattering! What's your entree?
- Him: Wat entrie!!!! Do u got a boyfriend??

This Wonderboy sure gets to the point. LOL

- Me: Why you at the restaurant if you're not eating? Or were you using a double entrendre? No on the BF, BTW.
- Him: I'am at da resturant because I'am meeting some1!!!!
- Me: Mind if I ask who? First name's fine.
- Him: A family member!!! Visiting Philly !!!
- Me: What possessed you to initate contact? I'm nosey.
- Him: Naw it's cool u want 2 know It's kool !!! So do u mind if I ask u a question do u want 2 be B.F!!!!

By that point, I'd lost track of what "BF" stood for.

- Me: My boyfriend or best friend?
- Him: boyfriend
- Me: That kinda depends on if you're into guys.
- Him: No I'am not gay!!! I lyk grls 100%!!!!
- Me: Might want to read up on my profile. Do so & afterwards tell me if you're still interested.
- Him: Ru gay!!!

Which is has nothing to do w/ my profile, so much for trying to tip him off.

- Me: Wrong question to ask. The better question would be, "Do you always go around asking complete strangers to be your boyfriend" or are you a "sex on the first date" kinda guy?
- Him: No I just thought u look pretty I would not have sex wit u on the first date be I don't go around asking people 2 be it boyfriend!!!!

For the record, he's referring to this picture which was my main photo at the time:



I didn't have the heart to tell the schmuck that she's blissfully married to a great guy & has started a family w/ him. Although maybe I should have because that could have made a really funny twist to the "Funny Thing-" formula. But that would have been lying because I'm not the one who's actually married & I'm trying to keep it so that the morons are the ones that walk off the cliff of their own accord, as opposed to me pushing them.

Am I making any sense?

Anyways...

- Me: Strange answer considering your subject message was "heyy sexi". & I didn't ask you to be my boyfriend. I didn't know what your referring to when you used "BF" a couple messages ago, so I asked. You were the one that answered "boyfriend."

Next time it might help to read & view people's profiles before you start flirting w/ them. It might save yourself the embarrassment.

Any last words?
- Him: So u r a writer be I'am guessing u tried 2 write stuff about me u know wat I'am calling da policeon on u!!! Any last words be4 u write something!!!

Apparently, he still hasn't taken my hint to actually READ my profile where it clearly states, "I live for photography. This profile is just another place where I choose to showcase my work." Like I'm also sure the cops will respond to schmuck being embarassed for not using the few brain cells that he actually has.

If that weren't enough, he replies back 10 minutes later:

- Him: I'am srry!!

...not to mention, there was a friend request from him. & yes, he was declined.

Comedy of Errors

Recently had an entertaining conversation w/ a prospective model.

She initiates contact w/ me about working together. We discuss ideas & schedule a shoot date. Get into side conversations ranging from how old I am (apparently this matters to some people) to favorite movies to she eventually inviting to make me dinner after our shoot.

It suddenly turns on the question of me asking gas money & suddenly cancels. Apparently, the reasons for canceling were, "if you're going to ask for that, I have to wonder what else you'll want." Uh yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I guess she has a point, w/ that , speeding is a gateway crime to Murder 1.

Talk about a 180. LOL

Nevermind neglecting to ask for references. Nevermind she never asking to meet in a public place to see if I'm actually real. Nevermind actually knowing someone before you invite to make dinner for them. Nevermind that her husband was already going to be in attendance (he was going to be participating in the shoot).

I guess the bright spot in all this is that, no shoot means I do not have to muddle through the drudgery of editing.

In fairness, though I may complain about the headaches, I find it cathartic & entertaining to talk about them. In reality for every 1 headache, there are probably 6-7 prospective models that either go through w/ a shoot or decline in a civil manner. Either way, my life will go on.

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In brighter note, this is Lindsay. She is kinda like the complete opposite of the aforementioned bipolar weirdo.

This particular shoot occurred in two parts. The first part was like a comedy of errors constant interruptions, a swarm of insects, wacky weather, a bleeding wound that wouldn't stop bleeding (she said she cut leg shaving & when the band-aid came off, the bleeding recommenced). We got what we could.

The second part (we both randomly found time in our schedules) & got together lickety-split at her place. That one went off w/o a hitch.

Lindsay describes herself as a "shoe fiend." The shot below was created by her picking the outfit, having her sit in the general area where she is, & I randomly tossed the shoes up in the air. Where & how they landed is what you currently see in the below photo.




Enjoy.