Those Damn Dirty Apes

Disclaimer: the following blog entry is meant to be light-hearted.

Things that bug me:

1. Seeing baseball players slide into first base drives me absolutely bonkers.

First base is the ONLY base you can safely overrun. Sliding slows down your body momentum. So this means when you sliding into first base you're actually HELPING the other team make their play.

Seriously, those unless that player is friggin' hurt whereby he FALLS sliding into first base, he's lucky I'm not his manager & would immediately bench his sorry ass just for being a complete dumbass. I truly pity the person that's sitting next to me when I see this happen.

2. Knowing those damn, dirty apes are gonna get their stinking smelly paws on us & use us as pets. They've already got the leashes & whips. They're just biding their time. They're biding their time I tell you.*

3. "I'm sorry, Dave, I cannot let you do that," the H.A.L. 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey

The smarter automobiles get, the stupider they become. Seriously, I turn on the ignition & less than 10 seconds later I'm getting the warning signal that my seat belt is not buckled. 10 seconds later, it beeps again. & another 10 seconds. & another 10 seconds. & media wonders why roadrage incidents are on the rise.

Nevermind the fact that it was winter & I was, I dunno, WARMING UP THE CAR!

Its only a matter of time before they start accelerating the vehicle, killing us when we them to. Oh wait a minute! Toyota's already trying to thin the herd. Nevermind.

4. Those damn, dirty apes are just biding their time to blow us all to hell.*

5. When people fail to return their free weights back to the appropriate place while in the gym. Sometimes in my testerone fueled workout, I want to put someone through a window because of it.

6. Knowing those damn, dirty apes will turn this paradise into a desert ages from now.*

7. When some Einstein who doesn't even use the gym, comes & says, "it stinks in here" & then proceeds to empty the entire air-freshener can & then leaves. Correct me if I'm wrong but, y'know, ITS A FRIGGIN' GYM NOT A FLOWERSHOP! Its supposed to stink when people are sweating up a storm.

Some idiots really need to have an anvil dropped on them.

8. Those damn, dirty apes are already turning this place into a madhouse. A madhouse I tell you!* (Just look at the NYS government.)

9. Remember that Winter Wonderland Contest I entered last month? I lost, big time. Not that I actually expected to win & its not like I actually am losing sleep over it. Its was just for fun, y'know?

Guess, what the winning image was? No really, guess? I got beat out, no, crushed by a picture of a shaggy mutt in snow storm. The runner-up were a couple of infants in their snowsuits. This just reinforces the notion that when the public has the opportunity to choose if you're up against critters or kids, you're screwed no matter how good your stuff is.

Go figure.

10. (Sorry, I ran out of "damn, dirty ape" references.)

11. When baseball managers have ALREADY GOTTEN TOSSED, why not make it worthwhile & just go ape-shit like legendary managers Earl Weaver or Lou Pinella?** At the very least, kick a whole lot of dirt on the officials shoes so he has to brush them off. Umpires if you're going to bounce a manager, don't be a wimp & give everyone of those lame-ass blink & you miss it ejections. Seriously, we paid good money for quality entertainment. Is that to much to ask?

12. To political officials...when you're retiring or choosing not to run for reelection, don't bullshit us in saying you "want to spend more time w/ your family" because no one will believe it anyway. Just be honest w/ us. "I got busted cheating on my wife" or "I simply cannot win reelection" or "My mistress is carrying my love child" or "I screwed up & was trying to help out an old friend (who just happened to be a wife-abuser) avoid some hot water" or "I was just stressed out & really just wanted a relaxing blowjob" or "my new job pays 10x better than my current one w/ 50% less man-hours." Sure you'll still get some flak but its not like opinion polls matter in your new job anyway.

13. To the mascot formerly known as Hawkeye, A- you remind me of one of those washed up athletes who never moved on in life whose pinnacle was their high school years. B- Your team, the Adirondack Frostbite, folded in 2006. Cherish the memories. Enjoy the hockey that you currently have but move on! Stop signing your letters to the editor as "Hawkeye". Which brings me to, (point) C- stop writing to the local paper railing at how terrible the current coach is as well as trashing your mascot replacement for the horrible job the current team is doing. Maybe if the Adirondack Phantoms power plays weren't consistently zero-for-a-nightmare, they might be in a better position in the standings than they are. Course then again to score goals, players actually have to make shots ON goal. Novel concept, isn't it. D- What drugs are you friggin' smoking? Do you honestly believe Phantoms are going to win the Calder Cup? Or is one of those situations where we know that you know that we know you know we know that your full of bull****? They're third from the bottom of the AHL Eastern Conference cellar. They'd be lucky to actually make it INTO the playoff, let alone actually advance.

You deserve to be either hit in the head w/ a flying hockey puck or pass me whatever it is your smoking. I haven't been able to decide which yet.

* denotes a reference to the original Planet of the Apes w/ Charlton Heston (as opposed to the crappy one w/ Marky-Mark).

** denotes suggesting it if you've made it to the Major Leagues because if you're in the minors, the ensuing fine may actually bite your wallet

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In other news...
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Since there is a strong sports themed current, I'll leave you w/ a journalism sports picture (always tough to pull off).

This is a V Girls Lacrosse match Queensbury @ Glens Falls & taken in May 2008. I swear some of those girls ran like gazelles.



Feel free & comment if you so choose.